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Lance "The Pants" Rance
Origin Lance's origins are shrouded in mystery. Some say he was born somewhere in Turduckestan in 1978, some say only mortals are born. Whatever his origins, he ended up in America when he was around 5 years old in 1983, only to be captured by American CIA officers. After rigorous questioning, the CIA determined he was no threat. They then proceeded to train him in the art of "Discobliteration." An ancient Chinese martial arts utulized by the Chinese in China to ward off the Mongolians from Mongolia. He worked his way through the ranks of the Airforce, eventually becoming Staff Sergant MK. II. What often goes unspoken of is the extreme jealousy his fellow militants felt for Lance's ability to move his hips, commonly called "The Hips of the Damned." Lance is very well known for is service during The Belushi Trials. After John Belushi OD'd on a speedball, the Turks began to get unruly, and the streets were becoming riotous. The government tried vigorously to calm their people, but their efforts were futile, for the Turks thirst for blood after their beloved John Belushi passed could only be sated with the blood of Egyptians. America was aware of the dissent in Turkey, and sent a large military force to central Turkey, where they began to try and calm the Turks. Finally, there was peace in Turkey, but the peace could not last forever. Service in The Belushi Trials After the detachment of U.S. forces were sent to Turkey, they maintained peace for a few months. But the knowledge that they would not be receiving another cinematic masterpiece starring John Belus hi began to sink further into the Turk's minds. Their anger was redoubled when they decided to riot again and the U.S. forces were barely holding. The Pants was largely kept a secret from the government by the CIA until now. His existanc e was revealed some time in 1994 to the amazement of President Clinton. He was immediately deported to Turduckenstan, where he would brood for weeks over not being able to serve in The Belushi Trials. He gathered some money by working odd jobs, some are too dishonorable to mention, and eventually caught a bus to Turkey. There he planned out his next moves very carefully. His plan was to get in to the U.S. mi litary HQ and convince them that he was their only hope of success, and he was. He would then disco dance the Turks into submission... It was flawless. He arrived at HQ in about 1995, a mere week before The Belushi Trials would end. The military in Turkey instantly saw the asset that was "The Pants." They immediately sent Lance to the front lines, where he disco danced for three days and three nights. By the beginning of the fourth day, only three Turks were standing; Johnny Flanders, Gary Olberman, and Jackson Smith. They are all, of couse, very well known. Lance Rance's efforts were rewarded with the Purple Heart, the Medal of Honor, and Pants of Flannel. He would forever be remembered int he hearts of the military stationed in Turket all those long years. Equipment Lance was very skilled in Discobliteration, and needed very little equipment. Only his pants were needed to assure victory. And a turban.